Well…I Don’t Give a Fuck About Labels!

I haven’t posted in a bit, so I thought I’d let you know what’s up with me.

After a shitload of pondering and frustrating myself, and google searches, I’m worn out.

Maybe I’m Trans. But, maybe I’m Genderfluid, or… just a transvestite…or…

Ugh!

Too much for my brain!

I’ve decided this: I don’t need a label. That’s just something to tell a stranger if they ask.

I AM JUST MYSELF.

Some days, I feel like wearing a skirt, I feel like wearing jeans. A baseball hat. (But, the one constant is panties. Everyday. And some makeup. Gloss and a bit of color for my lips. I mean, I’m not a Neanderthal)

I guess what I’m saying is wear whatever the fuck you want. Fuck labels.

Maybe somewhere there’s a label that fits how I feel. Wait…! I know that label! I know what it is! It’s…

COREY.

Today, for example, I’m wearing my Adidas by Alexander Wang green satin track pants. (God, I love these!),

Stan Smith shoes, and a white untucked oxford shirt. Now…as I said I always do, I have panties on. (They’re the prettiest navy blue, and 100% NYLON!) A matching bra, and pantyhose. But, I guess if you were to look at me, maybe you’d see a guy. Maybe you’d talk to me and think Boy, this guy is kinda girly. That’s fine. I am girly. If you know anything about me, you’d know how much I was bullied for being a fem boy, starting when I transferred schools in 5th grade. Ugh. Boys. Am I right?

Though now, I don’t wear what I feel I have to. I wear what I want to.

What the hell am I? I don’t fucking care.
Now, am I right?

OFF TOPIC

I found a couple old old vintage pics taken by my then-girl friend of me wearing parachute pants. They’re Polaroids from ’85. Cropped a little. But, I vividly remember trying on a new gray pair. Can I believe I once could fit into a size 31L? Well sure I can. Jeez, I have kept the original tag in a photo album all these years. The second small pic is another Polaroid she took of me in my ubiquitous black pair. Great crotch shot, huh? Eeeew. I guess she knew what it was she liked about my parachute pants.

I ADORE BEING A GIRL!

I’m not entirely sure about sharing this. As I’m typing this on my iPad, it’s starting to hit me that I might lose a few readers. But…and I’m just thinking out loud here…it is my blog. And it is about ME. And, for some reason, I want to share this side of me.

And what is that side you ask? I started this blog to share my obsession with the fabric nylon. Of course, Parachute Pants play a huge part in that. And…again, if you don’t know what parachute pants are/were, go read the Wikipedia entry. Whoever wrote that entry sure did know what he was talking about! Yessireee. It almost could’ve been written by me! (Of course, it was written by me.)

I’ve also revealed my love of lingerie. Underdressing. Wearing nylon/silk/satin pretty lingerie makes me feel awesome. Especially pantyhose, which I wear every darn day. They feel so great. And, if you like wearing pantyhose or any nylon clothing, I highly suggest shaving your body. I’m lucky. I’ve never had much body hair. In gym class, I got teased more than once. Even as an adult, when I had to get dressed in front of some guy friends, one guy said “Dude, you have, like, no leg hair.” Fucking moron. But, that did take me back to how I felt when I was in high school and picked on. This guy was my “friend”, and he wasn’t really trying to humiliate me, but there were other guys I didn’t know too well there too, and I was embarrassed. Anyway…

I shave my legs, arms, and…of course..my face every other day. (I hate this trend of facial hair on every single man in the country!)

All right, I’m a bit of a sissy boy, and I may even be trans. I’m not sure. And I’ve stopped trying to label myself. What gender am I? Well, I know what’s between my legs. But I also know how I feel. It’s the same way I’ve felt as long as I can remember. Saying I was really a girl my whole life really makes things make sense. A lot. I mean, it totally makes my life make sense and fills in a lot of puzzle pieces.

Now, instead of wasting time researching words, like cis-gender, transgender, gender fluid, etc. etc. etc., I really don’t care about words. I am concentrating instead on how I feel. Like, I’ll wear men’s shorts, with pantyhose, and feel totally amazing when I’m out. You know the kind of person who says mean things to me? NO ONE. That’s right. In all my dressing forays in public, not one person has said a word to me about my dress. No one cares. Well…yesterday I was in line at WALGREENS. My outfit was pantyhose, a short black skirt, a sleeveless t-shirt, a camisole underneath. I wore Stan Smith shoes with peds. Yup, the socks with the ball in back. And, I wore a pink baseball hat. I had makeup on. Not one person in line cared, except for a cop. He was staring. Actually, for all I know, he could’ve been attracted to me. But ultimately, he didn’t say anything.

As time goes on, I’ll get more and more adventurous in blurring the gender line. And, I do hope that I get some comments. Compliments. From cute boys. Heck, I’d even be willing to have boys try to ask me out. Those comments would be great! But I’m not too optimistic. Maybe. But as I said, I’ll get more and more confident to go out with as many “girl” items of clothing I can.

And do you know who’ll comment? Not a damned one. Oh well.

THANK YOU, BUGLE BOY COUNTDOWN PARACHUTE PANTS (and thank you, Kevin H.!)

image The fad started when I was in eighth grade, and continued through the entirety of Sophomore year at the all-boys prep school I went to. It stopped abruptly a year or so later. This story, though, takes place at the fad’s peak.

So. Sophomore year. I had, I think, six different pairs of parachute pants. I wore them Saturdays and Sundays, no matter what. During the week? At school? I slowed it down a bit, and wore them once or twice a week. If I felt okay, I’d push it to three. Even though I had six or seven different pairs (One pair I had was red with black zippers that showed the black nylon underneath. They were my most…elaborate pair.) I had my favorites, or most-worn pairs. They were the black/black pair, the dark gray with black zippers, and a blue pair with lighter blue zippers. Those two pairs were the foremost in my rotation. (I also loved my white pair, but those I saved for after school.) My sister used to tease me. “Nice ‘chutes, Cor.” One time I laughed because she said “Hey, nice outfit, Corey. I’ve got an idea! Have you ever heard of Parachute Pants?”  Yeah, she could be funny sometimes.

At that time, at that age, I knew I liked girls. My girlfriend and I (the makeup girlfriend) were still going out. But I knew that guys held a certain allure for me. I didn’t freak out, or get depressed or confused. It was like, Oh, okay. I like boys, too. No big deal, though I did keep this secret to myself, and one at-the-time girl who was a “friend.” (Turns out she wasn’t keeping my secret amongst her friends. Found that out years later.) Anyway…

There was a boy in my home room class, and my math class, named Kevin H. (I guess I shouldn’t tell his last name.)  Well, he wore parachute pants every damn day! He wasn’t one of the break dancer guys who’d show off their skills in the hallways during lunch periods. No, I don’t think Kevin was a break dancer. He was a little more masculine than me. He played on the basketball and swimming teams. But there was also something soft about him. He had beautiful olive skin and a stunning, beautiful  smile. Unfortunately, though we were both aware of each other, we never became friends, or even conversed with each other. Kevin wore his PPs fitted, like they were meant to be worn, and so did I.  He had that body that could carry it off, too. Certainly, I know that while I got teased by preppy kids for wearing my parachute pants, they liked Kevin, and left him alone. I can’t figure out why, except that Kevin was more popular than I. Boys. Am I right?

In home room, he was seated across the room from me, so I couldn’t really see him too well. Since it was the second period of the day, I’d always check him out to see which of his parachutes he was wearing that day. (My favorite of his was a white pair, with gray zippers that were placed in slightly different places than the usual Bugle Boys. He effin’ rocked those pants! (?) since they were tight, they totally showed off his (slightly more prominent than mine) package.)

I’ll never forget math class that year. I was seated one row away from him, in the last seats. I would bow my head, but out of my peripheral vision, I could see his nylon-covered ‘package’ when he was seated. It always looked like he had an erection, but that wasn’t true. I knew because it always looked that way, and when he got called to do a problem at the blackboard, he wasn’t at all stereotypically hunched over to hide his boner. No, he was just blessed with a perfect bulge. When Kevin was at the front of the class, his back turned to the room, I would gaze at his perfect ass. It was gorgeous. Perfect. The smooth, shiny ripstop nylon covering his ass was to my mind, the hottest image ever.

Good god! If I didn’t know I also liked guys, Kevin H. certainly proved to me and my raging hormones that, like it or not: I liked guys. And girls. But if I had to say which sex I leaned towards or preferred; I would have to admit (as if you can’t tell by my posts) that I found myself fantasizing about boys rather than girls. And even all these years later, I can still picture Kevin H in my head. The way his long, thin legs looked walking in parachute pants. His ultra-confident swagger. The way his bulge looked when seated at his school desk. And, of course, those nylon-clad legs when at the chalkboard. But even though he must’ve had a bigger collection of PPs than I did, (at the time), the white, with gray zippers, are the pants I’ll never forget. It’s been many years, and I haven’t gotten them out of my mind.

[If you’re out there somewhere: Thank You, Kevin. You have no idea what you did for me. And more importantly, did to me.]

I would love it if more guys looked back at their clothing from that period, and stopped saying things like “It’s embarrassing to admit, but I wore parachute pants.” Please guys, don’t be like that. Obviously, at the time, you must have thought they looked cool, and you really liked them. (I can’t imagine anyone’s parents saying “I don’t care if you hate them, you’re going to wear parachute pants. And you better convince people you like them or I’ll make you wear them every day!”)

Be proud. Share pictures! (Please!!) It’s probably asking too much, but…buy a new pair and rock them, just like you did in 1985.

GIRLS LIKE BOYS WHO LOOK LIKE GIRLS

imageAm I crazy? When I was in 8th grade, and started going out with girls; I recall that a lot of girls liked guys who were “fem”. No “emo” back then. My girlfriend at the time used to want to put makeup on me before we’d go out. Not just powder, but eyeliner, mascara, blush, the whole bit. I, of course, really liked it. I’d play it off as though I thought it was funny, but I know that really, I enjoyed looking “girlish.” And when I would be made up for a party or something, I had girls all over me. (Look, I’m talking about when I was 13 or thereabouts. It’s not bragging. Today, I have lost all the “pretty” I had.)

One night, I went to my GF’s house so her 17 year old sister could drive us to a party. I was a little apprehensive because I wasn’t really the “party” type. But, I walked over to her house one mile away, wearing purple (No kidding! Purple! Officially, it was a color called “Plum”.) parachute pants. Not ridiculously tight, but they did show off the package. My shirt was a gift from my GF that she got from The Oak Tree in the local mall. When I walked into her room as she was putting her makeup on, she looked at me and said, “You look cute. But take off your sunglasses and tuck in your shirt.” I did as she asked. Who am I to argue? I was only a tad self-conscious about how my dick looked, whether you could see the bulge or not. Since she didn’t mention it, I assumed it looked fine after I tucked in my shirt tails. [God. Bulges? The things we were concerned about when we were young. sunglasses at night. Cool. But now I’m NEVER concernedhow my package looks. Nope. Never.]img_4500

She walked over and turned the collar up (ugh), and unbuttoned one more button, making the top two undone. I wasn’t  really comfortable like that because she had given me a gold necklace that I thought was too short. So when I had two buttons undone, you could see the gold chain. I suppose that’s why she unbuttoned it, so I’d show off her jewelry gift.

(Plum-Colored Bugle Boy Parachute Pants. Exactly what I was wearing.)

Then, What had become routine began: she had me sit and she did my eyeliner and subtle other makeup touches. Again, I thought the red lipstick was too much, but she assured me that “no one can tell,” because she had blotted most of it off. And over the lipstick she added a ton (to me) of lipgloss! But she thought it was sexy. So, all done, we got her sister and left for the party. [Her older sister insisted on taking a picture of us together, like we were going to the damn prom! I still have it. I don’t look as queer as I remember, but my head is hanging way down in the Polaroid, as if I was afraid she’d say “Are you wearing makeup?” and totally humiliate me. But…she didn’t.]

At the party, I was amazed! Girls were flirting with me! It seemed like for the first time ever I was attractive to cute girls. In retrospect, I guess I fell into the “Pretty boy” category. I don’t see too many around now. There seems, to me, to be a percentage of girls who like(d) softer, prettier boys. The tough kids had their “chicks,” but the look of hatred mixed with jealousy over “that fag” who had all the girls’ attention was frightening. Making me more shy. The shyness making me more attractive.

At the end of the night, me a little drunk, her sister picks us up and Karen and I are alone in the backseat. Karen takes out a tissue or something and wipes off all my makeup before I walked in my front door. We kissed a little, the lipgloss now gone, and said our goodbyes.

God, I loved that party.